As the years past, I would be the one that would be  wanting to put the Christmas tree up as soon as the Thanksgiving meal was done. Enjoying the Christmas movies, listening to the radio of all the Christmas songs and most of all enjoying the family, friends  and good genuine attitude from  everyone this time of year. Not much  has changed,  I still love it all.

This year however, a sadness has entered my heart. This year, is the first and hardest year I have had to face with the holidays. My Mom passed  about half a year ago and my Dad has been gone for some time. Mom was the cornerstone of the family season and though I know that she and dad both are watching from heaven, It doesn’t make it any easier. This year, I continue watching the movies listening to the “happy” christmas songs and trying to overcome the aching in my heart. Somehow, I understand more than ever the song ” Where are you Christmas? “

One hard lesson that I have learned this year is overcoming. A simple word, and yet so very complex. I know that my heart is healing.  And,  with  the rest of my family and friends this will not only make us stronger, it will also make us closer than ever before.  The good times, the memories are far from over we will continue to enjoy everything that comes with the holidays but maybe in a different way seeing everything in a different light.

The one thing I know beyond a shadow of a doubt is that life is but a vapor, so my wish for everyone, no matter where you are in your life, or what you have been through, love everyone. Be the light, be the inspiration, be the difference in someone’s day. Make the phone call, give the hug, make the time. And by all means, tell everyone in your family, and your friends how dear they are to you. Wether it is saying I love you or just letting them know that the door is always open, do it, it will make all the difference, and make this the Merry Christmas to remember.

•  Make some carmel apples,
• Enjoy apple cider. I like to warm it up on the stove and add some redhots, stir it and add it  to your favorite coffee cup, add a cinnamon stick and a dash of cinnamon on the top, and you have  a wonderful autumn (and winter) dessert for you to refresh your mind and soul. It is  also a great quick  fix for company too.
•   If you have children, this is the time to decide what Halloween costume they should wear. Will you buy it? Or make it?
• Take a nice evening walk  under the harvest moon. 
• Go to the farmers’ market for dried flowes to create your own bouquet. Prepared bouquets are wonderful, but they are expensive. Have fun, and bring your creativity out by making your own floral arrangements (and it also helps your local economy and farmers) Creating your own bouquet on a Sunday afternoon in September is a relaxing  way that will remind you that beauty is everywhere.

Today, I give a standing ovation to Jessica Simpson. Yes, she has had her ups and downs and is not perfect (But then who is). At least she is bettering herself and trying to make a positive difference. She has started a new show called “The Price of Beauty” And it centers around two fundementals. First, what different cultures see as beauty and the overall effects it has on us good and bad. Second, that beauty truly does come within and that there is not a perfect size, person, etc. 

We should all be happy in our own skin. Kuddos to Jessica. There are to many young children girls and boys alike  still trying to mold into what they will become some day. They have to realize that they can be happy with who they are without being airbrused, photo edited, or any other of the thousands of tricks the magazines put in front  of us each and every day, that young children believe are the real deal. This is what ultimantly leads to self  esteem problems, weight illnesses of both extremes, and just not feeling happy as to who you are.

Let me just say, as a christian I believe  that we are all made to be who we are, no one else. We all have special gifts and abilities, weaknesses and strengths that make us who we are as indivduals. Do not be afraid to go to the beat of your own drum.

I have also learned that in the upcoming magazine of “Marie Claire” Jessica Simpson will have photos that have not been altered in anyway. Good for you Jessica. The only other actress I can think  of that has done this is Jamie Lee Curtis. Both strong woman, not afraid of their convictions or ideals. What good role models to be brave enough to just be yourself. I hope that this impacts the young girls and boys that are struggling with who they are and who they will become.

For sometime Sean and I had discussed moving back to Texas. We are both close to our families and friends and honestly both homesick where we were. It is amazing how things can change in a blink of an eye.

Sean got a call from Amarillo Tech Tel on Wednesday and they said he would need to start on that Following Monday. Sarah and I could stay an additional week to pack and get things in order, etc.  Time to get boxes, begin to organize the move. Making lists of what needs to be done and pack, pack and pack some more.

Sean goes to Amarillo on that Sunday. At this time our original move date was one week later with Sarah and I left to do all the packing. A lot, but I had a week so I knew it could be done.

Sidenote, my sister Leslie and brother-in-law Tim live in Tuttle one town away from Mustang. The original plan was to borrow their trailer and haul everything back that Saturday. Why do you ask is this information relivant?Plans change.

Plans change.  It  is now Tuesday and I receive a call from my Mom saying that Tim called her and had an idea to help. That Saturday the rain chance was 85% and with just Sarah and I,  Tim was worried. He said if agreed too, that they would rent a U-haul for us, help us pack and load on one condition it had to be done that very day. Because Leon (Tim’s dad) and him had business in Tulia the next day and they would drive the u-haul and park it for us. I agreed and the race was on.  Panic starts to swell within me. Can I honestly get this all done? At this point I believe it is good that I am on Paxil because if I wasn’t I think I might have had the anxiety attack of a lifetime.

A short time later my sister comes to help me finish packing. And then Tim, Jacob and Brian come to start loading. It was a long night with few rests in between but by 11:00 pm that night the apartment was empty and the loading complete. Tired beyond belief and  dead on my feet Sarah and I spent the night with my sister.

The next day I start doing last-minute cleaning, vacuuming, etc. With the help from Jean, Mary and Roger. Have I mentioned what great family and friends I have that surround me. I am blessed.  That very night Sarah and I (and also two very unhappy cats in a pet carrier) drive to Amarillo, and make it safe and sound that evening.

It all seems so surreal, at times I still don’t feel like I am really here. It all happened so fast. Adjusting becomes easier everyday and seeing familiar faces and friends makes us know that this is a God thing and to enjoy the ride.

I am blessed to be back at the same church with my same church friends. I have reconnected with some of my old high school friends and am still praying to find the right job and fit for me. The time has been nice though because I have had a chance to settle in, unpack and rejuvenate.

I feel like I am at a good place right now. Where I am supposed to be for family and friends and pray that this move is moving me in the right direction with my life.

I feel like over the course of the last years I have grown more and pray that I continue to do so. It is so good to be around family. Sarah can be closer with Grandma, Aunt Sis, Uncle John, and the kiddos. And I can be closer to my mom while she battles her illness. I know their may be more in God’s plan than I am able to see right now but I trust and love God and know it will be alright.

Thank you Jesus for all the people you put in my life and surround me with. And I pray that I am a light that shines for you always.

The snow has almost melted away here, but there is still enough for a five-year old to play in. Today, Sarah has made snow angels, we had a snow fight, and yes she ate some snow. It reminds me of when I was little and mom would give me a big bowl and tell me to get some snow. Only two rules applied, make sure no one had stepped in it, and that it wasn’t yellow. I would bring the snow in and mom would start the magical concoction. While she added the vanilla, eggs, sugar, etc, I would go out and get another bowl of snow that she would add to the tantalizing mixture. And before we knew it, snow ice cream was the snack of the day. Yum …

Sarah is now taking a nice hot bath and I am about to make some hot chocolate for the two of us. How blessed I am to have such a wonderful little girl, to play with and love. How I treasure these moments.

As I lay down for bed and look out my window I see the snow on the ground,crystallization of snow sparkles like twinkling stars in the sky and I drift off.

Then the memories unfold in my mind, as if relying on yesterday will help me get through my tomorrows.

I sometimes wonder, How? Or why? Has so much happened in our family. We are very close and love each other very much, but it seems as if our demise is always health related. How do I begin? What do I say? I suppose the first I remember starts with me. I was young and afraid and am lucky that I am alive today. Being nine and going through so much can effect a life more than people give credit for. People are cruel and mean especially when they do not understand illnesses and when they are children.

Jump to my senior year in high school and now my families world is about to change forever. My mom has breast cancer and goes through chemo and radiation. I never let mom see me cry. She was going through enough herself I didn’t want to burden her with anything else. My friends, my prayers, but most all my God heals mom and she is in remission. This time in my life changes me. It’s when I find strength I never knew I had. It’s when I realized that it hurts you more to see someone you love go through so much and you can’t control it, and all you can do is have faith.

Freshman year in college dad’s diagnosed with lung cancer. Misdiagnosed with lung cancer, right before the Denver Livestock show. Mom and Dad take a second honeymoon to Colorado instead. They finally tell the family. We are all in disbelief. Dad never smoked or drank. Later, we find it is not lung cancer it is Multiple myeloma/Bone Marrow Cancer. Dad takes radiation, his immune system is down – he gets shingles. Later that year,  with immune system still down dad falls into an unexpected coma they say could be next 24 hours before he dies. My cousin gets me from my dorm at school and my hell begins. I wait for my brother-in-law and another cousin to pick me up. Road conditions are bad and I am five hours away from home. We spend the next two weeks at the hospital hoping and praying for a miracle. A lung collapses what do we do? Mom has my brother and I talk to the doctor with her. He lives. Weeks later he wakes up. We found out it was meningitis and now he has brain damage. I go back to college and am a complete mess the rest of the semester bursting into tears at the drop of a hat, while in the meantime, during all of this “my boyfriend” was cheating on me. I can pick ‘em can I. You never know what to expect with your friends. Some friends that I thought would be there weren’t. Some friends kept me from going insane, and then some people became my friends because of the dark circumstances in my life. Medical bills are intense. I take the money left from my college fund and medical bills arepaid with it. Due to this I do not graduate, though I only lacked 13 hours. The next six to seven years my dad lives in a nursing home. His long-term memory is as good as ever, his short-term memory, not so much. He get’s me confused with my sister. I think times will never change. He has a small improvement, enough to go live at home. Which is tremendously hard on my mom. She has now become the care giver, and it takes a toll.

When I was growing up, I hardly remember my dad with a cold and now this. It’s as if he is a modern-day job case. Words cannot even express the feelings going in and out of my mind every day. When dad fell into a coma so may years ago, it was Halloween. So ironic. I remember talking to my then”boyfriend” in the chapel on the school campus and in comes my sorority sister and my dorm buddy Aricia and Amy. I head back and Melissa is waiting. No words are needed. She calmly puts her hands on my shoulder and I know. I live that moment over and over. I feel such guilt and remorse because before dad fell into a coma, a week before we had an argument over the phone. The next time, he woke up – well, he was never really dad again and my heart is broken.

Now I am married and happy. After a little over a year my husbands father dies unexpectedly and the remorse and the stress in unbelievably tough. The next year, my father dies. A 13 year battle. It has now been eight years since my dad died. It took him from Amarillo to MD Anderson in Houston back home. Ending in hospice. The day I find out my husband and best friend are  moving us  to our Grandmother’s house to save money for a while is the day he died. Within two weeks our car gets taken, and I lose touch with a friend for a while. Strength only comes from God and a little paxil.

Now things have leveled out – or so it seems.  And I find out my mom also has multiple-myeloma The memories come flooding back and I am afraid. Will it be a re-run of the past? Or will it be a whole new future.  All we can do is have faith, pray and go through it. God takes care of the rest. Please pray it’s a lot to go through.

What is my favorite virtue? Compassion

What vice do I most despise? Wrath

What am I most willing to forgive? Mistakes

What is my best characteristic? Kindness

What am I the most afraid of? Losing someone I love

The quality I like most in a man?  Character, he does not  compromise his beliefs.

The quality I most like in a woman? Confidence, she goes after what she wants in life and is independent.

What do I most value about my friends? Their hearts

My principle defect? Short fuse

What’s my favorite occupation? Acting. What I actually do? Public Relations … Customer service, etc

What’s my dream of happiness? Joy in all aspects of my life.

Favorite word? Moxie

Least favorite: Stupid

What turns me on creatively, spiritually, and emotionally? Passion

What turns me off? People that are cocky.

What sound or noise do I love? A soft rain on my window falling down  when I am home and safe.

What sound or noise do I hate? the sound of styrofoam rubbing against anything.

What profession other than my own would I attempt? Acting

What profession would I not like to do? Construction of any kind.

What would I like to hear God say  if I arrive at the pearly gates.? I made it and come on in